In Born Stroppy, I candidly share an episode of anger and sadness to demonstrate the cost of maternity activism but also to talk about the RAIN practice and how it helps us deal with these strong emotions.
This week I was reminded of the part of the book and the RAIN practice when a friend tragically died. I came home, angry and irritable – I was annoyed with my daughter for leaving her stuff around, I was annoyed that the bath was not cleaned properly I was irritated by the piece of wood I had to walk around for a week whilst David did his DIY… but luckily it was time for my meditation practice and as soon as I shut the door and sat still I realised that these small irritations were proxies for the BIG ONE – that my good friend had died, and her partner another good friend was in deep grief. Why did the world have to be like this! I was angry…but because I was hurting.This was the R of RAIN – Recognising what is really going on. The tears came and I stopped being brave and allowed and accepted my feelings – the A of Rain. I then paid intimate attention to myself and my feelings – the I of RAIN. My shoulders dropped – I did not need to fight this, I felt the heaviness in my heart, I watched a mind desperate to escape sorrow look for something else to think about – and held it all with compassion as I held this bereaved family with compassion, as I held all those who grieve this night with compassion. And so the N of rain: nurturing myself, holding myself gently. And also opening wide to all – because this is not all about me, and not all of me is this: being human can be difficult and we all need and deserve compassion especially when we are grieving. So I came to rest and feel centred. When I left the room, I could hug my family and the minor irritations did not matter anymore. Over the next few days I have had to return again and again to Recognising what I am really feeling, Acknowledging it, giving it Intimate attention and Nurturing myself. Although not easy to do, I find it alot easier than my old habits of trying to ignore it and making it about something else easier to shout about! If you want to know more, look up Tara Brach who teaches the RAIN practice. In the meantime, here is how I wrote up this experience.
ANGER.
Things are not as I want them to be:
the bath needs cleaning , what my daughter said, the wood in the way
…and D dying,
and K grieving
It maybe the way of the world
But it is not the way I want it to be!
And now tears…of an aching heart.
Comfort, comfort my hurting self
Sooth, sooth my grieving self
Open, open to love and compassion
For all those who hurt and grieve
this night.