Love is the Way: Systemic Kindness,
How to structure kindness into Maternity Services.
Cardiff Sept 2026
Welcome all! Here in the room and online!
SLIDE 2
Bishop Curry at the wedding of Prince Harry and Megan quoted Martin Luther King saying
‘We must discover the power of love, the redemptive power of love. And when we do that, we will make of this old world a new world, for love, love is the only way.’’’
And he goes on to say:
Imagine this tired old world when love is the way, unselfish, sacrificial, redemptive. When love is the way, then no child will go to bed hungry in this world ever again. When love is the way, we will let justice roll down like a mighty stream and righteousness like an ever-flowing brook. When love is the way, poverty will become history. When love is the way, the earth will be a sanctuary. When love is the way, we will lay down our swords and shields down, down by the riverside to study war no more. When love is the way, there’s plenty good room, plenty good room, for all of God’s children. Because when love is the way, we actually treat each other, well, like we are actually family.
Love is the way. These are not platitudes and sentimental twaddle, this is soul and vision and strategy fired in the experiential furnace of structural and systematic racial discrimination and violence, with added persecution for those who resisted. In the words of Maya Angelou this is love that is both tough and tender.
Today as we contemplate and plan for the future of maternity services we need to learn the lessons of the black civil rights leaders. If we want to put the Care back into Maternity Services, if we want to end the epidemic of maternal trauma, midwifery burnout and HCPs simply leaving the service… then Love is the only Way.
Twenty minutes is not long enough to provide a how-to guide on systemic kindness for Maternity Services, nor a thorough exploration of the arguments for implementation. To hear more you will have to invite me to give you the full talk and some basic compassion and kindness training. But I can give you a starter for 10 with headlines and signposts in three broad points.
Slide 3
- Practice and Evidence:
A piece of research was done on some seminarians at a US college. The students were told to research and write a sermon on the Good Samaritan which they would have to preach on a certain day for assessment. The venue was so arranged that the students, one by one would have to cross campus to reach it, and an actor was set up part way to be a man in distress – apparently homeless and drunk. The researchers wanted to know who would stop and help the man and why.
What they discovered was that stopping to help had nothing to do with the study and reflection on the Parable of the Good Samaritan. It was not predicated on whether the students rated themselves or others as kind either. What was critical was whether the person felt they had the time to stop – Those in a rush did not stop even if they had time, those who felt okay even if they were running late would stop. Time for kindness. Hold that thought.
Stephen Trxeciak is an A&E Consultant. As he put it – you only meet me on the worst day of your life. After 20 years of this role he was burnout and mentally broken. Burnout was not uncommon amongst his colleagues, but whilst his colleagues’ response was to resign, retire and retreat to the country, he did something different: He did a deep dive into research. What he discovered from over 2000 papers, was that kindness had an enormous impact on patient outcomes …and clinician mental health.
There was one piece of research he quotes at length for its outcomes: Oncology patients were split into a control group and an intervention group. The intervention was this: At the beginning of the consultation the Doctor said and I quote:
I understand this is a very difficult time for you and this is a difficult conversation. If there is anything you don’t understand or you want to ask,
do not hesitate to stop me. Because we want to support you every step of the way.
At the end of the consultation they said:
” I know this has been a very difficult conversation, be assured that we care for you and will be with you along this whole journey.
That is it. That is all.The results showed that the patients who had this intervention did better than the control group. But there was more: the doctors providing this intervention also reported better mental and emotional wellbeing, lower stress etc. The medical staff benefitted from kindness as much as the patients. Hold that thought.
How much extra time did this intervention take in each consultation? They did time it: 40 seconds. An extra 40 seconds to be kind.
Do we have time for kindness? Do we have 40 seconds to be kind in our consultations? Kindness that benefits both the receiver AND the giver?
Can that amount of time be structured into our system do you think?
Second. Practice makes Perfect.
It has been demonstrated that we all have within us the desire for kindness and the propensity to show great altruism. People don’t come into maternity services saying I want to be a midwife or an Ob to be cruel to women and cause them harm. So I am not going to patronise anyone here by saying you need to be more kind.
What I do want to say is that to be a good pianist takes piano lessons and a lot of practice, to run a marathon requires training and commitment, to learn a profession such as midwifery requires training, learning and practice. In the same way, say the Tibetans now backed up by neuro-science and psychology – to get really good at compassion and kindness you need commitment, training and practice. Not because you are not kind without it but because it takes practice to get really good at it – professional you might say, and it can take training to be good at it without burning out.
Being really good at kindness and compassion benefits not just other people but also yourself.
SLIDE 4
I don’t have time to take you through a sample practice etc. so I am simply going to put on the screen here some loving kindness phrases.
- If you feel comfortable now, hand on heart choose a phrase: May I be safe… Be curious about how it makes you feel – there is no special way you should feel. How would it be if you could show this kindness to yourself every day?
- You may find it easier to say it for a loved one or someyour feel grateful towards….And then say it for both of us….may we be safe…
- If you make it a daily practice you can say the phrases for the people you know you will meet today, maybe as you go along.
- Maybe if you feel bold you can try saying the phrases for someone who irritates you sometimes.
- If you are having a bad day say the phrases for yourself and anyone else having a crap time like you. I say the phrase – “Just like me there are people around the world who are grieving, in our pain may we all be filled and surrounded by loving kindness.”
- If saying the phrases is driving you nuts one day, stop – give yourself some kindness: put your hand on your heart or give yourself a hug. The way you feel is the way you feel – there is no judgement in kindness, just love. And love is the way.
Doing this practice daily is a commitment although it does not take very long to do it. It is not a quick fix either but I can tell you from my experience (and you can read it in my book Born Stroppy) that it is transformative. Neuro-science backs this up: repeating these phrases builds new neural pathways, they teach your brain a new language to frame attitudes both towards yourself and towards others. If you are interested there is so much work on this!
SLIDE 5
Back to Dr T in his dark mental place. Having done his research, he decided in his terms ‘to double down on kindness’ : towards his patients, towards his colleagues and so towards himself. He sought to be kind at every consultation, be kind in every interaction with a colleague, to always have a few seconds to be kind. He says that in his research project of n1, himself, this daily intention and practice of kindness towards others enabled him to slowly recover from his own burnout and has enabled him to remain working in his chosen professional role. He says he is no way a master at it, but every day it is his intention to continue to be kind.
Friends and colleagues. Kindness is a choice you make, it is not about having time, it is not about being saintly, it is a down to earth practical intention to make every interaction an opportunity for kindness.
PAUSE Love is the way.
Third. Practice makes policy.
SLIDE 6
Robin Wall Kimmerer, mother, scientist, decorated professor of Environmental Biology, quotes the native scholar Greg Cajete in her seminal book Braiding Sweetgrass saying ‘that in indigenous ways of knowing, we understand a thing only when we understand it with all four aspects of our being: mind body emotion and spirit.’ She goes on to say that “I came to understand quite sharply when I began my training as a scientist that science privileges only one, possibly two of those ways of knowing: mind and body.”
I cannot help reflect that as with the environment, our reductionist medical view of birth and the maternal journey is doing great harm to mothers and babies – where is the respect for the knowing of emotion and spirit? Mothers give birth with their whole selves, not just their uterus! The child is conceived in love, birthed for love and brought up by love. Where is our awe, our quiet devotion to the process unfolding, our compassion?
SLIDE 7
I am with Donella Meadows, expert in complex systems who says:
No one can define or measure justice, democracy, security, freedom, truth or love. No one can define or measure any value. But if no one speaks up for them, if systems aren’t designed to produce them, if we don’t speak about them and point toward their presence or absence, they will cease to exist. ”
- Meadows; Thinking in Systems: A Primer; 2008
Our values play out through our systems whether we like it or not, and if kindness is not intentionally built into the system like Blackpool through rock, then friends, we build a system without kindness and that – whatever our intentions otherwise – dispenses cruelty.
Being unaware of system effects results in ‘traps’ and ‘surprises’ says Meadows, where outcomes actually undermine what you set out to do. Indeed the outcome can be the opposite of the original intention. There is plenty of evidence of that! Here I reflect on what might be one example with the help of presentations by Su Down Bev Jervis and Andrew Weeks:
It was 2013 I think when Jeremy Hunt as health secretary set up the policy aim to reduce still birth and halve maternal deaths. Laudable aims we might say but 11 years later reports and stats show as Soo Down and Bev Jervis point out that the still birth rate might be slightly lower but induction and CS rates are rocketing, maternal deaths 20% higher than 2010, trauma has vastly increased and we pay more on litigation than we do on maternity care. If we compare our stats with other countries, our infant mortality is higher than many countries with lower medical intervention rates.
Could this be a systems trap where we have used a reductionist medical model to reduce stillbirth with the unintended consequence of rising maternal trauma, mortality and increasing litigation? What if we had made our policy aim instead to cherish every child and mother, with continuity of carer over 1000 days, and the full range of social, economic, as well as medical levers to do so. I think it was once called Sure Start. In making our policy aim to Cherish every child could we attain the same outcome without the collateral damage to mothers, families and our maternity systems? Love is the way
SLIDE 8
So how do we build kindness into the system? Well, as with our personal life, organizations have to make the intention to be kind: to cherish every mother and child and support every staff member who provides the care. I notice that in the Strategic Vision for Nursing and Midwifery in Wales, Sue Tranka sets out Compassion as an intention in her introduction. But it is not good enough if it stays there – Yes Minister style, get it out of the way in the introduction and then you don’t have to mention it again!. Kindness and compassion needs – and needed to be at the top of every page, written into every policy from staffing, to HR, to clinical guidelines. And then, friends, it is important to say, it needs to go into the evaluation, ensuring every dashboard has a metric for kindness and compassion so it is measured and evaluated alongside other outcomes. In my book I quote a senior midwife who commented during a sensitive discussion about women refusing to let midwives into the room – that there was no metric for TLC and so HCPs are not accountable for it.
In social enterprise we call it the triple bottom line – ie its not just about finance, its not just about clinical outcomes – live mother live baby, its about how cherished mothers and babies are – the social bottom line. That this is not easy to do is to be acknowledged, that it can be done, and is being done and there is an army of expertise developed over decades to help do it, is the reality we need to action now.
Are we in the maternity professions up to this challenge, are we as a nation in Wales and England willing and able to make kindness front and centre of our maternity system?
For the sake of my children and my grandchildren I sincerely hope so. I weep, I weep for my young sisters suffering now.
Conclusion
SLIDE 9
Martin Luther King said, We must discover the power of love, the redemptive power of love. And when we do that, we will make of this old world a new world, for love, love is the only way.
And I say, Imagine this maternity service when love is the way, unselfish, sacrificial, paid for. When love is the way every mother and child feels cherished: no mother and child will go unloved and uncared for. When love is the way physiology is respected and the bodily autonomy of women and birthing people is guarded, no woman is medically violated, When love is the way every midwife feels seen and acknowledged and supported, when love is the way managers are resourced to support their staff. When love is the way there are no longer false professional boundaries and hierarchies, when love is the way midwives and doctors and service users sit down together to work out what is best with mutual understanding and respect. When love is the way we all benefit from holistic maternity care whose benefits extend for decades to come in happy healthy families.
We must discover the power of love, the redemptive power of love. And when we do that, we will make of this old maternity system a new one, based on kindness and compassion, for love, love is the only way.
SLIDE 10
References:
Bishop Curry, Sermon at Harry and Megan’s Wedding in 2018: https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2018/05/20/612798691/bishop-michael-currys-royal-wedding-sermon-full-text-of-the-power-of-love
Maya Angelou, Wouldn’t take nothing for my journey now; Virago Press 1994 p7
Daniel Goldman (2007)TED Talk. Available at https://www.ted.com/talks/daniel_goleman_why_aren_t_we_more_compassionate?subtitle=n
Healthcare’s compassion crisis, Stephen Trxeciak (2018) TED Talk. Available at: https://www.ted.com/talks/stephen_trzeciak_healthcare_s_compassion_crisis_jan_2018
Born Stroppy; Make Change Happen; Book Brilliance; 2025
Robin Wall Kimmerer; Braiding Sweetgrass; Penguin; 2013
- Meadows; Thinking in Systems: A Primer; 2008
Soo Down, ARM Conference Presentation June 2026
Bev Jervis, ARM Study Day June 2025
Andrew Weeks, Maternity Festival Bradford June 2026
Nadia Higson, AIMS: Jeremy Hunt set the target to halve stillbirths by 50% by 2030 in 2013. That was later brought forward to 2025. The target has not been achieved Stillbirth reduction target missed in England and Wales, new figures show | Tommy’s . The original target was also to halve maternal deaths so that certainly hasn’t been met New ambition to halve rate of stillbirths and infant deaths – GOV.UK According the MBRRACE lay summary “Headline figures from MBRRACE-UK highlight a 20% increase in the rate of maternal deaths since 2010 when a previous government ambition was set to halve the number of deaths by 2025”. So I think it’s worth pointing out that the original target was to reduce maternal deaths too. Not only has the target for stillbirths been missed and but maternal deaths are up. Perhaps also that we’ve used a medical model to try to reduce stillbirths and it isn’t even working.